I had no plans to FORGIVE today or to ask for it

I woke up today like any other day, but I felt less pain and a little less weight.  I was in the mood to bake first thing in the morning.  I love to bake, but I have never gotten up and decided that before I made myself something to eat or took my medication, I was going to bake.  My son and I turned on the music and we baked together.  I was happy and engaged despite the previous day I had.  I talked to my best friend (who happens to be Godmother to my son) and the day seemed..."normal"

I wrote it that way because there has been an evolution of me and a #NewNormal had set in.  It was a normal that would cease to exist after my conversations today.  It doesn't really matter who.  The names aren't important.  I first spoke with a new acquaintance and when my husband asked me to describe the conversation in one word, I said #KISMET.

I felt so good after the conversation that I was inspired to call an old friend.  This old friend I once thought was an EX FRIEND in my mad moments.  However, there were things said in my conversation with this new person and points brought out that reminded me of my old friend.  The biggest reason why I was so mad about this OLD FRIEND was the love that once existed was lost.  As I looked for the number I realized, it wasn't lost.  Sometimes we look for things that are sitting right in our faces and we cannot see.  A lot of the times we do not see it is because we are preoccupied with some other stressors in our environment that keeps us from focusing.  As we become more frantic looking for what is lost, we miss the details.  We miss what is right in our faces.

When we become overwhelmed with our own emotions...we fail to see and feel the emotions of others.

I had no idea if the old friend would answer or how they would respond, but for once I was so settled in my spirit it didn't matter.  I decided that there were better things to say than what I had left that person with.  I realized that I could be of no help to them and vice versa.  We were all standing in the peril of things that fell apart and none of us had any idea where it all broke down or where to start to clean it up.  All we FEEL is the pain.  The pain is tremendous.  The pain is blinding. The pain is maddening...but most of all - The pain is CHANGING.  The pain changed who we were, how we saw things, how we approached life and it was a sustaining Cancer until someone decided to cut it out.

Ring...Hello...

"I'm tired of fighting."

Fighting Who? Who is this?

"Fighting Everyone, Fighting you... I'm tired and I am sorry"

Who is this?

"This is Jam"

...Hi Jam...

"Healing"

I release all disappointment
From my mental physical spiritual and emotional body
Cause I know that spirit guides me
And love lives inside me
That's why I today I take life as it comes